Church of Relativity

From Slabscapedia
(Redirected from Docanist)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The Church of Relativity (aka COR) has won every 'most useless religion in the history of mankind' Memie in the Dawkins awards[1] since the category was established over 700 cykes ago[2].

They have no published moral code, no established hierarchy, no official synod and no actual churches. They do however have a vigorously active and vocal clergy who seem to think they have a God-given right[3] to set up shop and lecture passers-by or interrupt social or sporting events in order to drone on endlessly about stuff that no-one else gives a flying Fuck about.


Everything's relative

That's it.

Spiritual philosophy

See doctrine.


There are only three deities; God (aka The Big E. aka The Biggie), Fuck and Dice.


Everyone likes sects and the COR is no exception. In practice however most splinter groups tend to be immediately reabsorbed into the main CORpus because whenever anyone tries to protest that their own particular philosophical ideas should be dominant, the church does a collective shrug, agrees that everything is relative and that they are probably right.

There are only two established sects:


The Docanists are the most infuriating Rellies onSlab. A Docanist is the type of person who will argue about something they agree on, start a sentence with one view and end it with an opposing one, disprove their own theories while protesting that they are misunderstood and never, ever make up their minds about any personal decision at all, no matter how trivial or irrelevant[4]. They are named for their favourite saying: when asked their opinion about something, or even what they want to do, they invariably say 'dou kana?'[5] and refuse to give a direct answer.

The only reason this sect still exists is because none of its members can make their minds up about re-joining the COR.

Cult of Cults

The Cult of Cults has proved to be surprisingly resilient to re-assimilation into the main body of the church. Observers note that as their main objective is to worship cults of all shapes and sizes and that because they are themselves a cult (that worships cults) they are self-worshipping and therefore self-perpetuating, unbreakable and a lot of fun. These are the only Rellies anyone has any time for at all. They're still weird though, kind of by definition.

Footnotes and references

  1. although, due to their tendency to hog the podium, no Rellie has ever been invited to collect it
  2. many think that the award was sponsored solely for the purpose of insulting the COR
  3. do not try arguing this point with them, life is too short
  4. which, of course being a Rellie, nothing ever is
  5. a Japanese phrase that roughly translates as 'hmmm.. I wonder?', 'who knows?' or 'how is it?'